So I decided, with much deliberation, to talk about something not so much beauty or fashion related, but a bit more personal. Since seeing videos by the likes of my favourite Youtubers, Zoella and Graveyardgirl, about this subject, as well as watching a recent documentary by Demi Lovato about her struggles, I decided that maybe it was time I spoke out about my own experiences. Now let's just get this straight, recently there have been a great deal of bloggers who have spoken about this subject. As I said before, I'm not a high profile blogger but I feel this is still something I want to share with you all, in the hopes of not only providing some readers with a sense that they are not alone, but also to help myself gain confidence in talking about this matter. So if you haven't already guessed, I'm on about those two wonderful life restricters, Anxiety and Depression. Now, Anxiety and Depression are two subject matters that have been raised a lot more in the blogging world recently then in previous years. I like to think that this is because people have a greater understanding and more confidence is speaking out about these issues, but some people may jump to the conclusion that it's all a bit of an attention seek.
Let me just say,that anyone who has ever experienced Anxiety and Depression, either personally or through friends and families experiences, will know that they are not something you would EVER choose to bring on yourself. If someone walked up to me tomorrow and asked to buy mine from me, even take them for free, I'd happily oblige. My anxiety and depression are nothing new to me. In all fairness, I've probably been struggling with these issues from the age of 13 upwards. I can't really pinpoint their exact occurrence, neither do I want to blame any single life event for them rearing their ugly heads. I was bullied very badly in school and was also very ill when I was younger, so maybe they have some underlining link to the problems I have today. But honestly, I feel that a great deal of mental illness is pre-dispositioned.
I've never really been great with talking about my experiences with mental health. I've always been a 'theres always someone worse' kind of person. However- this in turn has probably lead to the issues getting worse over the years. My first bad experience with my mental health came after my poor health in middle school. I suffered from what would have possibly been diagnosed as OCD for a year. During this time I created particular routines and partook in irrational actions. To name just a few, I couldn't allow my clothes to touch others (covering my clothes in the laundry with towels to 'protect them'), I would do certain actions a number of times to make sure they had been completed and would also do some SERIOUSLY strange things like hold my breath when someone with an illness appeared on television in fear I would catch it through the TV. After a year these feelings began to sufficiently subside, however, the worst of it was not over. The following year and throughout my time at high school I suffered bouts of depression. I go through particular phrases within a single year, previously going up to 5 months without depressive thoughts, but would often find myself suffering from low mood the majority of the year. After my school experiences I felt extremely low. I came to the irrational conclusion that I had no purpose in life. I began to see the world in a completely different light. The world is a big place filled with beautiful and new experiences but for some reason, I had decided that all of that meant nothing. I had suddenly become life's number one enemy. I hated everything about myself and believed that nothing had purpose. It was a horrible stage and the first of my dark periods.
In my last years in high school, my depression was a lot less common. I started new friendships, found interest in new subjects and really started to come out of my shell. However, this was probably around the time my anxiety began to form. Throughout my last year of high school and my first year of sixth form I began to struggle with school. Maintaining friendships, keeping up with revision/work and getting into school all together became a task. I'd always been a bit of a worrier and throughout my time at school had experienced a few anxiety attacks, but they became more severe during my later years. Panic attacks were a lot more consistent and severe. The worst thing about Anxiety is it comes hand in hand with Depression. The exhaustion of chronic worry and panic can leave you feelings tried and run down. My anxiety/depression is at it's worst during stressful periods of my life (probably the reason why they got worse during exam years). I also find my self esteem can make my anxiety worse. I have very low self esteem and feel that if I do not look my best I can't leave my house. I'm very insecure about a number of my features which I think just makes it hard for me to feel confident going into stressful or intimidating situations, such as modelling at college.
Anxiety makes it extremely hard to relax (making it hard to switch off during TV shows, reading books etc). I don't have social anxiety as such but often find my anxiety getting in the way of me doing a great deal of things. Last year, due to my anxiety attacks and depression, I had to give up drinking! Alcohol is in fact a heightener for anxiety so if you believe you have anxiety and feel that your drinking habits link to this, try and cut your intake down. Alcohol should NOT, I repeat, NOT be used for self-medicating. It might num your mind and prevent you from challenging your issues for an hour or so, but it can have a massive 'come down', leaving you lower then before hand. My anxiety manifests it's self in many ways. Larger worries, such as failure in life and death, are often the most frequent, especially recently after loosing my Great-Aunty Bet and moving to University in September. I can also have irrational worries , especially in the evenings. This build's up in an single evening and causes anxiety/panic attacks.
These are just a few symptoms of my personal anxiety attacks which I hope can help you to recognise some of your own behaviours:
-Irregular or racing heart beat (My first, massive anxiety/panic attack was during sixth form. I had chest pains for two days before a nurse told me to go straight to hospital, believing it to be a potential heart attack. Although the doctor did not directly diagnose it as an anxiety attack, the chest pains completely cofuzzled nurses/doctors so me and mum came to the assumption it was an anxiety attack)
-Trouble breathing (I will almost always have trouble breathing during a attack.)
-Agitation (During an attack, my brother will try to speak to me about something and I'll be VERY snappy with him. This is because I am trying to concentrate on bringing my anxiety down and ending my panic attack)
-Nausea (During an attack I'll feel extremely nauseous, which in turn will cause me to gag. I sometimes get this during morning attacks and evening attacks when they are at their worst)
-Sense of heightened fear or impending doom (During a panic attack after a family friend's party, I was extremely frightened about the idea of death after hearing a friend speak about a recent death)
-Cold/Hot Chills (I'll often get cold/hot chills during an attack. Goosebumps will appear on my skin and chills will run throughout my body)
-Panic/Distress
-Trembling/Shaking (I will almost always have bouts of trembling and shaking during and after an attack. My legs and arms will shake uncontrollable like I've been standing out in the cold for hours)
-Sweating (Sometimes)
-Vomiting
-Pins and Needles
-Blocked ears (Weird I know but recently I have been suffering from blocked ears. I will hear buzzing or muffled sounds during an attack)
If you have any of these symptoms or the ones listed on the Anxiety Centre website, you most likely suffer from anxiety:
http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-attack-symptoms.shtml
My anxiety attacks are heightened during the evenings and mid morning but can also strike during college hours (which is a pain in the balls as they are harder to hide in a more open, less comfortable space). I recently had an anxiety attack during a presentation day at college. It meant my performance was not at it's greatest potential and I felt emotionally exhausted for the rest of the day. My anxiety has never affected my everyday life until recently. The impending university move and coursework woes have probably heightened it. I have missed quite a few days of college due to the way I feel on certain days (A massive shame as I had 100 per cent attendance last year).
I can wake up feeling really positive but 10 minutes before college can suddenly feel like stepping out of my house is the worst thing I could do. I feel like my house is safe. I like to be around my family and make sure we are all safe and sound. This has also prevented me from having the social life I would like. I often turn down outings with friends last minute and avoid nights out at all costs as I once had an anxiety attack during a night out! Sleep is also a thing of the past. Most nights I find it hard to get to sleep and often wake up feeling and looking exhausted.
I do feel like my anxiety has really started to have a big impact on my life. I have, however, began to get help for this issue in particular. I take a herbal medication called St. John's Wort for my anxiety which doctors have said is safer and better in the long term then stronger anti-depressants/tranquillisers for this specific issue. I have also started to take multi-vitamins. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is also something I hope to look into before September.
If you have any suggestions for dealing with anxiety then please let me know! I'd also love to help any of you who want to know more about my own experiences and how I deal with it!
Breathing exercises are also a good way to prevent panic attacks short term. Inhale for four seconds, from the diaphragm, before exhaling for four. Remember to do this very slowly or you may panic yourself further. It is important to keep calm and realise this attack will not harm you.
When it comes to depression, it can be a great deal harder to deal with. Because I felt I couldn't speak to people about the experiences I had I sometimes turned to the worst possible ways of dealing with my depression. I'm not proud of it but I have been through self-harm. I'm not going to go to much into this unless I feel you guys want to know more. Depression can be beaten by surrounding yourself with positive people, exciting ventures and a healthy lifestyle.
Just remember, mental illness should not define you, it should shape you into getting better in the future and finding happiness.
I honestly hope you have got something from this post and it hasn't bored you to death! If any of you are going through similar situations I hope you can find a way of coping or just relief in the fact you are not alone. If you fancy talking about this post, don't hesitate to share your own experiences through the comments or tweet me @thatgeorgiacoan.
I hesitated so much on posting this, terrified people would read into this in the wrong way, but I feel this has helped me a great deal. Sharing my own experience and story means I don't have to feel like I'm hiding a monster under my bed. I don't want my mental health to be like a skeleton in the closet. Thank you once again for taking the time out of your day to read my blog. It's really helped me these past few months when things were quite dark and negative.
Love to you all,
Georgia
